new years

i'm desperately trying to turn myself into a cowgirl and it just isn't working.

lately i feel as though i've been watching myself live instead of living. my memory of an event is so much more vivid that the experience itself, and my dreams are detailed and chronicled in the back of my mind somewhere. i remember that i'm supposed to be happy now, i remember feeling my chest flutter, but i can't seem to remember to breathe in and out right now.

i don't have any cowboy boots.

i'm going to a costume party. its a cowboys and indians (first nationers) party. at first i was going to be clever and goes as an indian, or person from india. however, i cannot make a sari from scratch at home, and the only fabric here that's long enough is an ugly color. i tried to be a cowgirl, and i've got a dress, but no shirt hat or boots.

somehow i need to be beautiful out of: twelve feet of not-so-sweet colored fabric, a bindi dot, a prairie dress, some t-shirts, a sequin headband, and some beads. i'm not so optimistic.

and i'm slightly chilled at the moment. my hands are always cold.

i can't do this. i'm distracted. when things begin to balance something falls over. finally, i'm reaching some sort of foot hold with the andy issue, and upsprings an unexpected demon that could devestate me beyond any semblance of sanity i thought i had.

we are waiting on the results from juliann's ct scan. i think she'll be okay. i hope she will, because she's my little sister and she has to be. no matter what happens i love her. we won't know anything until the third. i feel so odd. spontaneous crying, this aching feeling of lack of control. she's my little sister, and i don't even have the guts to call her because i'm afraid i'll start crying and scare her. i want to be brave and strong, because she said i was her hero, but this fear is just so debilitating. i just want to know.

new year's resolution: remember how to breathe.

i don't wanna be a cowgirl anymore.
-mia